Legal Jokes !
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that
caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a
whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled
their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying
a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in
They're both extinct.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their
chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom
of the ocean?
A good start!
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with
a demon from hell?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
What's the difference between a mosquito and
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
Why does Victoria have the most lawyers per
capita in the country, whereas Sydney has the most toxic waste?
Sydney got first choice.
Q - You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you
$500, will you answer two questions for me?
A - Absolutely! What's the second question?
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to
end their union after a very short time together. After a
most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court
to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought
you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able
to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've
been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else
to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've
known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to
baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom
to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a
very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an
engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell
and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone
and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having
an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going
to get a lawyer?"
"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless
by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers
were taken from official court records nationwide...
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away
and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
2. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed
in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you
recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when
you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't
know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the
verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honour, I'd like to strike the next question."
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the
time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy!