Quotes - humour - Legal Jokes 2
Solicitor: someone who makes sure that he gets
what's coming to you.
Never ask a question unless you already know
the answer the person is going to give! (advice by trial attorneys)
That’s where I recently saw that wonderful
joke "What happens if you give a lawyer Viagra?"
Answer: "He grows taller"!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the
president's office and he asks her how much she would like
to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out
of the bag onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how
she came by all this cash, so he asks her.
The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square." "Ha!" says the president,
"That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000
that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot
of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with
me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking
them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls
are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer
to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the
president's balls are square.
The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks
him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks
if she can feel them.
"Well, OK," says the president, "$25,000 is
a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head
against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong
with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that
by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls
in my hand."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see
a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" he asks. "I'm a family law divorce
solicitor," the man replies.
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW SOLICITOR
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Fosters."
When the ex and her solicitor see who yours is, they high-five
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in
law but isn't...
1. Think you can get me off?
From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when
I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned
at birth too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in
Judge (to Public Defendant): Do you have any comments on the
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.
Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days
in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you an SOB, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five
days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were an SOB?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
Defendant: In that case, I think you're an SOB!
Once upon a Christmas eve there were three men walking on
the street, a poor lawyer, Santa Claus, and a rich lawyer.
They were about to turn to another street when all three saw
a $10 note lying on the ground.
Question: Who picks the money up?
Answer: The rich lawyer, because the other two don't exist!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one
to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to
dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two
to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A famous surgeon was interviewed recently on
televison and was asked what kind of patient he preferred
to perform surgury on. His reply was, "Well operating
on an engineer is nice, because when you open them there are
extensive blueprints showing how everything is connnected.
Also electricians are good to work on, because when I look
inside every part is colour coded and makes for easy work.
But my favourite patients are lawyers, because after you look
inside there is only a mouth and an asshole, and both parts
A lawyer died and came before St Peter. "What
have you done to earn eternal bliss?" St Peter asked.
The lawyer recalled that he had just given a bum a fifty cent
handout. St Peter asked Gabriel if he was telling the truth.
Gabriel replied that it was in the records, but St Peter said
it wasn't enough. "I once tripped over a homeless youth
and gave him a dollar," the lawyer ventured. Once again
the act of generosity was confirmed in the records. St Peter
asked Gabriel's advice. Gabriel glanced over at the lawyer
and said, "I say we give him back his dollar fifty, and
tell him to go to hell."
Judge: "Have you anything to offer this court before
I pass sentence?" Defendant: "Nope. My lawyer took
every last penny."
Micky Mouse was seeing his lawyers to file a divorce from
Minnie. They are having a preliminary meeting when they ask
Mickey's lawyer why he is filing for his divorce. The lawyer
and Mickey whisper to one another and the lawyer replies "My
client beleives that Minnie mouse is silly", to which
Mickey blurts out...
"I didn't say that!! I said SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!!!!"
"An engineer, a physicist, and a solicitor were being
interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a
large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and
was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself,
and made a series of measurements and calculations before
returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same
questions. Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The solicitor was interviewed last, and was asked the same
questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the
last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked
outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone
for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want
it to be?"
Q: Why do male solicitors usually wear tight shirt collars
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering
Q: How can you tell that a solicitor is about
A: His lips begin to move."
Q: How can you tell the difference between
a solicitor lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead
in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks."
Q: How many solicitors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?"
Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather
to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand."
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute
to law school?
A: A f***ing know-it-all."
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried
up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in
a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the definition "lucky break"?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in
Q: What's the difference between a catfish
and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many law professors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors
A: You can negotiate with terrorists. "
"The National Institutes of Health have announced that
they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.
In their place, they will use solicitors. They have given
three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more solicitors
than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become
as emotionally attached to the solicitors as they did to the
rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things
that rats won't do."
"When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law
before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after
the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense solicitor."
"A prominent young solicitor was on his way to court
to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found
himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort
him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death
had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to
die! I'm only 35! St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be
a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to
check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the solicitor,
"I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We
verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've
billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
"A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the
physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal
sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The
doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she
did. He asked, "Does it hurt you? She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was
mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal
sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you
think solicitors come from?"
"It was so cold last week that I saw several
solicitors with their hands in their own pockets. "
"A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a
dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally
honest with my fiance. My mother is a well-known madam, my
father is a convict, and my brother is a solicitor. My sister
sells heroin to the children at the school down the street.
She started doing that after my father got sent to prison
for molesting her. I also have a problem: I'm wanted in three
states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration,
this is my q: how do I tell my fiance about my brother the
"A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside
near the law school with his thumb out. A motorist stops,
and asks, "Are you a solicitor?" He tells him that
he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops
and asks, "Are you a solicitor?" He again replies
that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist,
this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks,
"Are you a solicitor?" The hitchhiker says that
he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they go. After
a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims,
"This is really something. I've only been a solicitor
for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing
"Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting
of her will, the solicitor charged her $100. She gave him
a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100
bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical
q came to the solicitor's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
"A man was sent to Hell for his sins.
As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he
saw a solicitor making passionate love to a beautiful woman.
"What a ripoff,"the man muttered. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that solicitor gets to spend it
with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork,
the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to q that woman's
"A solicitor was asked if he would like
to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen
the accident, but would still be interested in taking the
"People who love sausage and respect the
law should never watch either being made."
"A jury is a collection of people banded
together to decide who hired the better solicitor."
"A man took a trip out West after a harrowing
divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks,
stated to no one in particular, "Solicitors are horses'
asses". One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister,
watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do
that a solicitor won't do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass."
"Two solicitors were walking along the
beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand.
One solicitor said to the other, "Hey, let's go over
there and screw those two girls." The other solicitor
replied, "Sure. Out of what?"
Q: What do solicitors use for birth control?
A: Their personalities."
Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out
of a solicitor?
A: An empty suit."
Q: While driving down a desert highway, you
see Saddam Hussein on one side of the road, and a solicitor
on the other. Which do you hit first?
A: Hussein. Business before pleasure."
"Q: What is the difference between a solicitor
and a leech? A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies."
Q: What do solicitors and sperm have in common?
A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one
in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile."
Q: What is the difference between a flea and
A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you
and is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect."
Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she
is carrying a future solicitor?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney."
Q: Why do solicitors display a copy of their
bar association cards on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones."
"One morning at the law office, one solicitor
looked at the other and said, "Wow, you look really terrible
this morning." The other solicitor replied, "Yeah,
I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what
I try, I can't seem to get rid of it." The first solicitor
told him, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I take
a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to
my wife. Works every time for me." Later that afternoon,
the two solicitors met again. The first told the second, "You
know, you look 100% better." The second replied, "Yeah,
that was great advice you gave me. You've got a beautiful
"A doctor told his patient that his test
results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and
that he had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything
I can do?" the patient asked. "Marry a solicitor,"
said the doctor. "It will be the longest six months of
"Did you hear that the Post Office had
to recall its series of stamps depicting famous solicitors?
People were confused about which side to spit on."
Q: What's the difference between a solicitor
and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
"What are the three qs most commonly asked
by solicitors? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can
you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?"
Q: How many solicitor jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
"One day in Contract Law class, Professor
Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you
were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor
was livid. "No! No! Think like a solicitor!" The
student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby
give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,
rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds,
and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything
herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments
of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
"Nasty looking crew you got to handle
out there this morning, judge, said the court officer. "Where
did the cops find all those crooks?" The judge replied,
"The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes.
Those are the solicitors."
"Two schoolgirls were having an argument.
"My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and
makes buildings." The other girl replied, "My dad
does better than that. He's a solicitor, and makes loopholes."
"A Baptist minister had the misfortune
to be seated next to an solicitor on his flight home. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for
drink orders. The solicitor asked for a whiskey and soda,
which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then
asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minsiter
replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen
whore than let liquor touch these lips." The solicitor
then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with
delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
"The day after a verdict had been entered
against his client, the solicitor rushed to the judge's chambers,
demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new
evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. "What
new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The solicitor
replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just
found out about it!"
"Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United
Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful
solicitor in town. He called on the solicitor in an attempt
to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you
made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have
not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have
to say for yourself?" The solicitor replied, "Do
you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do
you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind
and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband
died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"
The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of
any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
"An indigent client who had been injured
in an accident went looking for a solicitor to represent him
without cost. One solicitor told him that he would take the
case on contingency. When the client asked what 'contingency'
was, the solicitor replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit,
I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't
"Having passed on, the solicitor found
himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each
clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the
name of a different occupation. After examining all of the
clocks, the solicitor turned to the devil and said, "I
have two qs, First why does each clock move at a different
speed?" The devil replied, "They turn at the rate
at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second
q?" The solicitor asked where the solicitors' clock was,
as he couldn't seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled,
then his face brightened and he replied, "Oh, we keep
that one in the workshop. It's used as a fan."
Q: Why are solicitors like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When
they land, they screw up everything forever.
A solicitor is never entirely comfortable with
a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to
finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table.-
There was this lady that had been married three
times, that went to a gynaecologist for a checkup before her
fourth marriage. When he got to the physical examination,
he told her (quite astonished) that she was still a virgin.
That's right she said. My first husband was a Psychiatrist,
he just talked about it! My second husband was an English
Teacher, he just wrote about it! My third husband was a Builder,
he said he'd get around to it! But don't worry, my fourth
husband will be a lawyer. After we're married I'll be well
and truely screwed!
Three people, a Hindu, a rabbi and a lawyer,
were looking for a place to sleep as it rained heavily in
the middle of nowhere. They saw a tiny light a distance away.
It was a farmer's house. They knock on the door and ask, "Can
we have a place to pass the night until the rain stops?"
The farmer says, "I only have enough room for two in
my house. One of you must sleep in the barn."
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn."
So he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears
a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There
is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with
So the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."
A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the
door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs
to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes
later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired
about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes,"
the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler,
Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun
which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all
three bullets on the lawyer.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer
and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take
your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
bucket of poop? The bucket.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch
or read the paper?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
catfish? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's
just a fish.
How do you know when your divorce is getting
ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech
What's the difference between a lawyer and a
leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747
full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if
his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't
you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, and suddenly
a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping
up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage
to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!"
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!"
retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid
BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped
"Oh no...," replied the lawyer, looking down and
noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left
arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex??"
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case
very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and
I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
An investment counselor went out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty
soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began
interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off
with one of the first applicants, "in a business like
this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."
She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest*
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my
father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and
I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued
me for the money."
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant
and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said,
"We have three possible donors; the first is a young,
healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the second
is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and
who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney
who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient
why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy."
said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a
roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized
the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened
to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor
and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher
shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail
for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal
Consultation Service: $150.
The truck driver and a priest
There is this truck driver who always swerves
off the road to hit lawyers walking on the sidewalk. When
he does this he always hears a loud thump. One day he saw
a priest hitch-hiking and decided to do his good deed for
the day, and pick him up. Well, the truck driver and the preist
were having a conversation when the truck driver sees a lawyer
walking down the sidewalk. He starts to swerve over to hit
the lawyer, but then realizes that hitting the lawyer probably
wouldn't be a good idea with the preist sitting next to him,
so he begins to swerve back onto the road. As he's doing this
he hears the loud thump again, and is puzzled. He thinks for
a minute and then says to the preist, " Usually when
I see those guys walking down the sidewalk I swerve over and
hit them, but I decided not to because you were with me."
And the priest replies, " Don't worry, I got him with
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down
the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,
KerPlop! right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please
excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip
over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's
perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be
sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm
blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind
of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know,"
said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.
Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake
felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy
tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY
RABBIT!" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough,
but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?" The snake
replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine
him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what
kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're
slimy, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a lawyer."
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding
in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But, sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he
said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the
second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home
is about two feet tall."
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much
wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse
he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the
trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was
about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from
this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.
I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady
eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook!
He's guilty as hell" So, your Honor, I could not possibly
stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in
the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old
son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching
it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone
bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes
straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately
starts choking, going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking
and shouting for help.
A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive
but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her
newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from
her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes
hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and
then ever more firmly. After a few seconds,the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands
the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee
bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no lasting ill-effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before -- it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies.
"I'm a Divorce Lawyer."
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled
their latest Stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them
and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
What is the difference between a tick and a
lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between
lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed
twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer
should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried
up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in
the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks
in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a
lawyer? A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one
side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One
in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven
What's the difference between a female lawyer
and a pit bull? Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from
an airplane? Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician
with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should
you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom
of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His
lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to
his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and
a bucket of shit? The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's
a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer
should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather
with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary.
What's the difference between a lawyer and
a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and
a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin
from crawling up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and
a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal
urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change
a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer
and an old drunk are walking down the street together when
they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter... ...I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied
the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the
man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake
and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should
you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes
Viagra? He gets taller.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take
your foot off of his head.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with
a demon from hell? Another lawyer.
The devil came to a young lawyer and said,
"I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me
your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your
three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients
down the river." "Okay", said the lawyer, "but
what's the catch?"
What do lawyers do when they die? Lie, still!
What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your
What's the best way to save a marriage??? Go
out and price a few divorce lawyers!!!!
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. Paul Warren.
On their way to get married, a young couple
is involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder ... Could
they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Wait
here, and I'll
go find out !".
The couple sat and waited for an answer... a
couple of months went by.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed
to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal
aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered, "Will
we be stuck together
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned,
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you
CAN get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But
we were just wondering, what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a DIVORCE in Heaven?
St. Peter, now red-faced with anger, slammed
his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts,
"It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do
you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
peter, web, timS, Theo, Benny
EXTREMELY LOW COST APPROACH TO DEALING
WITH THE NEO HAZARD
From E.P. Grondine <firstname.lastname@example.org>
In recent weeks we have been greeted with repeated announcements
of the reduction in funds available to NEO programs, as governments
whose revenues are coming under stress due to the economic
slowdown seek to economize. In view of these developments,
which trend is likely to continue for at least the next couple
of years, perhaps it is time to re-consider the use of the
ancient Mayan technique for dealing with the hazard of asteroid
and comet impact, specifically that of human sacrifice. Now
many in the scientific community may scoff at the idea and
dismiss it out of hand, but as the Mayan priests pointed out,
once they began human sacrifice, they were never again pounded
by the sky gods. So by inductive demonstration, the technique
appears to work. It has the further advantage of being an
extremely low cost scheme to put into operation, as it requires
no payment for any telescopes, electronic devices, computers,
or staff, and even less payment for the bureaucrats who manage
these programs. Of course, one does run into the problem of
obtaining human sacrificial victims. While the Mayan resolved
this problem by sacrificing their unwanted, literally their
poor bastards, given the current economic conditions and the
prevalence of extra-marital sex, such a plan may not gain
wide public support today. But perhaps a ready solution to
this problem may lie immediately at hand, specifically, in
the use of lawyers as human sacrificial victims. To my knowledge
I do not believe that anyone in the NEO community has ever
previously considered the use of lawyers for this purpose.
What advantages does the use of lawyers as human sacrificial
victims bring, aside from the fact that there appears to be
an over-abundant supply of them? Well, first off, they seem
to be universally despised, and this seems to be true in every
nation. Given the international scope of the NEO effort, it
is nice to find a common point about which the citizens of
most nations can agree. Second, lawyers could easily be captured
for this purpose by the simple technique of placing a newspaper
advertisement seeking an attorney for a lawsuit against a
wealthy corporation. Once obtained, my understanding is that
lawyers may usually be sedated by the administration of flavoured
alcoholic beverages. Of course, one problem with the plan
may lie in ripping their beating hearts out of their living
bodies, as it is widely reported that lawyers have no hearts.
On the other hand, it is also widely reported that lawyers
have no feelings, and this may make the entire process somewhat
easier to accomplish, in the case that lawyers can indeed
be found who have hearts. In the case where it does turn out
that lawyers indeed do not have hearts, then that does not
necessarily mean that the scheme of using human sacrifice
to fend off the next asteroid or comet impact must be abandoned.
It is still possible that the scheme could be realized by
the use of government accountants or bureaucrats instead.
Yours in science, EP