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Quotes - humour - Legal Jokes 2

Solicitor: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.

Never ask a question unless you already know the answer the person is going to give! (advice by trial attorneys)

That’s where I recently saw that wonderful joke "What happens if you give a lawyer Viagra?" Answer: "He grows taller"!

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her.
The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.
The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK," says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" he asks. "I'm a family law divorce solicitor," the man replies.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Fosters."
When the ex and her solicitor see who yours is, they high-five each other.
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

Top Things That Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't...

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't...
1. Think you can get me off?

The following are actual statements made during court cases:

From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defendant): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you an SOB, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were an SOB?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're an SOB!

Once upon a Christmas eve there were three men walking on the street, a poor lawyer, Santa Claus, and a rich lawyer. They were about to turn to another street when all three saw a $10 note lying on the ground.
Question: Who picks the money up?
Answer: The rich lawyer, because the other two don't exist!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

A famous surgeon was interviewed recently on televison and was asked what kind of patient he preferred to perform surgury on. His reply was, "Well operating on an engineer is nice, because when you open them there are extensive blueprints showing how everything is connnected. Also electricians are good to work on, because when I look inside every part is colour coded and makes for easy work. But my favourite patients are lawyers, because after you look inside there is only a mouth and an asshole, and both parts are interchangeable."

A lawyer died and came before St Peter. "What have you done to earn eternal bliss?" St Peter asked. The lawyer recalled that he had just given a bum a fifty cent handout. St Peter asked Gabriel if he was telling the truth. Gabriel replied that it was in the records, but St Peter said it wasn't enough. "I once tripped over a homeless youth and gave him a dollar," the lawyer ventured. Once again the act of generosity was confirmed in the records. St Peter asked Gabriel's advice. Gabriel glanced over at the lawyer and said, "I say we give him back his dollar fifty, and tell him to go to hell."

Judge: "Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?" Defendant: "Nope. My lawyer took every last penny."

Micky Mouse was seeing his lawyers to file a divorce from Minnie. They are having a preliminary meeting when they ask Mickey's lawyer why he is filing for his divorce. The lawyer and Mickey whisper to one another and the lawyer replies "My client beleives that Minnie mouse is silly", to which Mickey blurts out...
"I didn't say that!! I said SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!!!!"

"An engineer, a physicist, and a solicitor were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The solicitor was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Q: Why do male solicitors usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces."

Q: How can you tell that a solicitor is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move."

Q: How can you tell the difference between a solicitor lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks."

Q: How many solicitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?"

Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand."

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A f***ing know-it-all."

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break"?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists. "

"The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use solicitors. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more solicitors than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the solicitors as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do."

"When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense solicitor."

"A prominent young solicitor was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35! St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the solicitor, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

"A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you? She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think solicitors come from?"

"It was so cold last week that I saw several solicitors with their hands in their own pockets. "

"A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a solicitor. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem: I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my q: how do I tell my fiance about my brother the solicitor?"

"A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a solicitor?" He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops and asks, "Are you a solicitor?" He again replies that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a solicitor?" The hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims, "This is really something. I've only been a solicitor for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!"

"Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the solicitor charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical q came to the solicitor's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

"A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a solicitor making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff,"the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that solicitor gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to q that woman's punishment?"

"A solicitor was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case."

"People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made."

"A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better solicitor."

"A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Solicitors are horses' asses". One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a solicitor won't do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass."

"Two solicitors were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One solicitor said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other solicitor replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

Q: What do solicitors use for birth control?
A: Their personalities."

Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a solicitor?
A: An empty suit."

Q: While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein on one side of the road, and a solicitor on the other. Which do you hit first?
A: Hussein. Business before pleasure."

"Q: What is the difference between a solicitor and a leech? A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies."

Q: What do solicitors and sperm have in common?
A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile."

Q: What is the difference between a flea and a solicitor?
A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect."

Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future solicitor?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney."

Q: Why do solicitors display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones."

"One morning at the law office, one solicitor looked at the other and said, "Wow, you look really terrible this morning." The other solicitor replied, "Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what I try, I can't seem to get rid of it." The first solicitor told him, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time for me." Later that afternoon, the two solicitors met again. The first told the second, "You know, you look 100% better." The second replied, "Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You've got a beautiful house, too."

"A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" the patient asked. "Marry a solicitor," said the doctor. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

"Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous solicitors? People were confused about which side to spit on."

Q: What's the difference between a solicitor and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

"What are the three qs most commonly asked by solicitors? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?"

Q: How many solicitor jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

"One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a solicitor!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge, said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?" The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the solicitors."

"Two schoolgirls were having an argument. "My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and makes buildings." The other girl replied, "My dad does better than that. He's a solicitor, and makes loopholes."

"A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an solicitor on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The solicitor asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minsiter replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The solicitor then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

"The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the solicitor rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. "What new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The solicitor replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

"Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful solicitor in town. He called on the solicitor in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The solicitor replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?" The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

"An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a solicitor to represent him without cost. One solicitor told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what 'contingency' was, the solicitor replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."

"Having passed on, the solicitor found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all of the clocks, the solicitor turned to the devil and said, "I have two qs, First why does each clock move at a different speed?" The devil replied, "They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second q?" The solicitor asked where the solicitors' clock was, as he couldn't seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, "Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. It's used as a fan."

Q: Why are solicitors like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

A solicitor is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table.- Jean Kerr

There was this lady that had been married three times, that went to a gynaecologist for a checkup before her fourth marriage. When he got to the physical examination, he told her (quite astonished) that she was still a virgin. That's right she said. My first husband was a Psychiatrist, he just talked about it! My second husband was an English Teacher, he just wrote about it! My third husband was a Builder, he said he'd get around to it! But don't worry, my fourth husband will be a lawyer. After we're married I'll be well and truely screwed!

Three people, a Hindu, a rabbi and a lawyer, were looking for a place to sleep as it rained heavily in the middle of nowhere. They saw a tiny light a distance away. It was a farmer's house. They knock on the door and ask, "Can we have a place to pass the night until the rain stops?" The farmer says, "I only have enough room for two in my house. One of you must sleep in the barn."
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow....

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of poop? The bucket.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, and suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!"
"Oh no...," replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. "Where's my Rolex??"

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; the first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?" "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy." said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

The truck driver and a priest

There is this truck driver who always swerves off the road to hit lawyers walking on the sidewalk. When he does this he always hears a loud thump. One day he saw a priest hitch-hiking and decided to do his good deed for the day, and pick him up. Well, the truck driver and the preist were having a conversation when the truck driver sees a lawyer walking down the sidewalk. He starts to swerve over to hit the lawyer, but then realizes that hitting the lawyer probably wouldn't be a good idea with the preist sitting next to him, so he begins to swerve back onto the road. As he's doing this he hears the loud thump again, and is puzzled. He thinks for a minute and then says to the preist, " Usually when I see those guys walking down the sidewalk I swerve over and hit them, but I decided not to because you were with me." And the priest replies, " Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop! right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a lawyer."

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But, sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook! He's guilty as hell" So, your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

She Was Gifted With The " Touch "

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds,the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Lawyer."

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter... ...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off of his head.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the river." "Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

What do lawyers do when they die? Lie, still!

What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What's the best way to save a marriage??? Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!!!!

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. Paul Warren.

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gate
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder ... Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I
don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Wait here, and I'll
go find out !".

The couple sat and waited for an answer... a couple of months went by.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered, "Will we be stuck together

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a DIVORCE in Heaven?

St. Peter, now red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a

peter, web, timS, Theo, Benny

From E.P. Grondine <epgrondine@hotmail.com>
In recent weeks we have been greeted with repeated announcements of the reduction in funds available to NEO programs, as governments whose revenues are coming under stress due to the economic slowdown seek to economize. In view of these developments, which trend is likely to continue for at least the next couple of years, perhaps it is time to re-consider the use of the ancient Mayan technique for dealing with the hazard of asteroid and comet impact, specifically that of human sacrifice. Now many in the scientific community may scoff at the idea and dismiss it out of hand, but as the Mayan priests pointed out, once they began human sacrifice, they were never again pounded by the sky gods. So by inductive demonstration, the technique appears to work. It has the further advantage of being an extremely low cost scheme to put into operation, as it requires no payment for any telescopes, electronic devices, computers, or staff, and even less payment for the bureaucrats who manage these programs. Of course, one does run into the problem of obtaining human sacrificial victims. While the Mayan resolved this problem by sacrificing their unwanted, literally their poor bastards, given the current economic conditions and the prevalence of extra-marital sex, such a plan may not gain wide public support today. But perhaps a ready solution to this problem may lie immediately at hand, specifically, in the use of lawyers as human sacrificial victims. To my knowledge I do not believe that anyone in the NEO community has ever previously considered the use of lawyers for this purpose. What advantages does the use of lawyers as human sacrificial victims bring, aside from the fact that there appears to be an over-abundant supply of them? Well, first off, they seem to be universally despised, and this seems to be true in every nation. Given the international scope of the NEO effort, it is nice to find a common point about which the citizens of most nations can agree. Second, lawyers could easily be captured for this purpose by the simple technique of placing a newspaper advertisement seeking an attorney for a lawsuit against a wealthy corporation. Once obtained, my understanding is that lawyers may usually be sedated by the administration of flavoured alcoholic beverages. Of course, one problem with the plan may lie in ripping their beating hearts out of their living bodies, as it is widely reported that lawyers have no hearts. On the other hand, it is also widely reported that lawyers have no feelings, and this may make the entire process somewhat easier to accomplish, in the case that lawyers can indeed be found who have hearts. In the case where it does turn out that lawyers indeed do not have hearts, then that does not necessarily mean that the scheme of using human sacrifice to fend off the next asteroid or comet impact must be abandoned. It is still possible that the scheme could be realized by the use of government accountants or bureaucrats instead.
Yours in science, EP

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